This is Too Much Information because:
A) I don’t want to be Dooced so I haven’t been mentioning my job
and B) Working in Human Resources people share TMI’s with me all the time, whether it is in interviews (I was a business major bc my dad told me to, but I hated it) or with their health benefits (I’m getting divorced because my wife cheated on me)
As much as I ADORE my genre fiction, and the made-up plot lines and dialogue from various authors’ imaginations still seem fresh and entertaining to me, there is NOTHING that can compete with real life. As a recruiter for a large financial services company I review hundreds of resumes a week, and during “busy” times I might conduct 5-15 interviews a week. Without further ado here are a few gems I came across this past month…These are all 100% TRUE.
Career Goals: 1. Be able to eat dinner with my wife and children every night
Dear Recruiter, You’re gonna love me.
I went over to my girlfriends of 2+ year’s house to discover her in an intimate encounter with one of my best friends. An altercation occurred upon my discovery resulting in a felony charge.
Judging by the enthusiasm with which you’ve announced this position, I can only conclude that you seek an equally enthusiastic applicant, and I am certainly that! I match your first qualification as I’ve been answering phones since I was quite young (probably five or six years of age), so I have nineteen or twenty years experience!
Job Title: Lactation Specialist, Responsibilities: Assisted with breast feeding process
Hobbies: cycling, running in minimalist footwear, skiing, chess
Designed, conducted, and analyzed an experiment to test squirrel foraging behaviors on University of Maryland’s campus.
Pleeeease take 15 seconds to make up a new email address for your resume:
She asked what she should wear to the interview, I said business professional, like a formal outfit. She showed up the next day in a cocktail dress. [Not THAT kind of formal!!!]
Me: Tell me about your decision making process to attend Lafayette College.
Him: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question. [This is my VERY FIRST softball question of any interview. So I still had another 30 minutes I had to spend with him after that disaster]
He said he took school seriously and “didn’t smoke as much weed or get drunk as often as his friends.” [This is a direct quote, he completely inferred he got drunk and high]
Me: Tell me about a time you received criticism.
Him: My boss really took the veil off the engine for me [I still have NO idea what he meant by this. He later quoted Confucius.]
He said his proudest accomplishment was that he was going to actually use his degree and have a real career, unlike his sister who just got married and had babies after college.
Phone conversation last week:
Me: We really enjoyed meeting with you last week and would like to offer you the position.
Her: Are you kidding?
Me: I beg your pardon?!
Her: I thought I totally screwed up the interview.