Truth is stranger than fiction

I’m hitching my car to the  lovely Lilu’s TMI Thursday train for the first time after being a long time fan and lurker of all the other TMI posts.

This is Too Much Information because:

A) I don’t want to be Dooced so I haven’t been mentioning my job

and B) Working in Human Resources people share TMI’s with me all the time, whether it is in interviews (I was a business major bc my dad told me to, but I hated it) or with their health benefits (I’m getting divorced because my wife cheated on me)

As much as I ADORE my genre fiction, and the made-up plot lines and dialogue from various authors’ imaginations still seem fresh and entertaining to me, there is NOTHING that can compete with real life. As a recruiter for a large financial services company I review hundreds of resumes a week, and during “busy” times I might conduct 5-15 interviews a week. Without further ado here are a few gems I came across this past month…These are all 100% TRUE.

Cover Letters:

Career Goals: 1. Be able to eat dinner with my wife and children every night

Dear Recruiter, You’re gonna love me.

I went over to my girlfriends of 2+ year’s house to discover her in an intimate encounter with one of my best friends. An altercation occurred upon my discovery resulting in a felony charge.

Judging by the enthusiasm with which you’ve announced this position, I can only conclude that you seek an equally enthusiastic applicant, and I am certainly that! I match your first qualification as I’ve been answering phones since I was quite young (probably five or six years of age), so I have nineteen or twenty years experience!

Resumes:

Job Title: Lactation Specialist, Responsibilities: Assisted with breast feeding process

Hobbies: cycling, running in minimalist footwear, skiing, chess

Designed, conducted, and analyzed an experiment to test squirrel foraging behaviors on University of Maryland’s campus.

Pleeeease take 15 seconds to make up a new email address for your resume:

69bestmommie@xxxmail.com

pfunkmastaflex@xxxmail.com

Interviews:

She asked what she should wear to the interview, I said business professional, like a formal outfit. She showed up the next day in a cocktail dress. [Not THAT kind of formal!!!]

Me: Tell me about your decision making process to attend Lafayette College.

Him: I’m sorry, I don’t understand the question. [This is my VERY FIRST softball question of any interview. So I still had another 30 minutes I had to spend with him after that disaster]

He said he took school seriously and “didn’t smoke as much weed or get drunk as often as his friends.” [This is a direct quote, he completely inferred he got drunk and high]

Me: Tell me about a time you received criticism.

Him: My boss really took the veil off the engine for me [I still have NO idea what he meant by this. He later quoted Confucius.]

He said his proudest accomplishment was that he was going to actually use his degree and have a real career, unlike his sister who just got married and had babies after college.

Phone conversation last week:

Me: We really enjoyed meeting with you last week and would like to offer you the position.

Her: Are you kidding?

Me: I beg your pardon?!

Her: I thought I totally screwed up the interview.

Advertisements

11 Responses

  1. I am totally going to start bribing you with gift cards and books so that when/if I get laid off you can hook me up with a job. Sweet! :)

  2. haha I love the fake email addresses!

  3. I love love love the formality of “resulting in a felony charge.”

  4. Sometimes I wonder if I could work in HR just so I can have people dish with me.
    I feel like this post could also double as a career advice column. Somebody get Penelope Trunk!

    Great post!

  5. If those are true stories, then I should start interviewing for a better job. I’m clearly overly qualified!

    After I change my email address from spinalicious_danger666 that is. ; )

  6. Malnurtured Snay: Uh oh I really opened myself up with this post for that!

    Cassie: Me too! I am going to keep writing them down because some of them are just too good to be true!

    f.B.: I know, such a personal TMI ending on a professional note

    Patrick: Oh the things I’ve seen, it’s amazing I still have faith in humanity.

    Art: Sadly they are all true! I know, it’s like HELLO you are applying to work in investments, get your act together!!!

  7. I had no idea there were really people that clueless out there. But I should really have known better! :) Once, while vetting applicants for my boss for a part time assistant, we got one from a guy with a very impressive work history. However it also came from the email address stankyballs@XXXX.com

    Hmm…

  8. B went to Lafayette!!!

    Just sayin’.

    I LOVE the last one. Mostly because it’s something I could see myself doing…

  9. I would work in HR just for the blog material.

  10. Vegetable Assasin: OMG! That’s a good one! I think these people HAVE to be kidding with those email addresses but it just happens too often.

    LiLu: I dunno, I almost wanted to tell her “Well you are screwing up NOW.”

    LivingWicked: It is soooo hard to restrain myself from posting about it all the time, trust me.

  11. […] life I celebrated many milestones, including our one year wedding anniversay, becoming better at dealing with crazy candidates at work, and buying our first home! It’s been a whirlwind and while sometimes I wish I could […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: