Temporary lusty replacement (guest post)

Since my life belongs to my bestest bestie for her wedding weekend I invited a Really F*cking aMazing blogger (in army speak that would be shortened to corresponding acronym Romeo Foxtrot Mike) mylittlebecky to guest blog! [see what i did there? yes i’m clever] Not only did she accept my invitation, but she flattered the heck outta me. No wonder I heart her.

Even though I do NOT heart one of her favorite authors, without further ado, may I present her amazing guest post…

~~~~~~~

hello. *sweeping arc with right hand* i’m becky, you can find me at my lil’ abode here. today the illustrious lustyreader has asked me to entertain you all while she’s being pretty at a wedding (it’s a skill). i’m flabbergasted she asked me to be her backup singer and i will try to live up to the lustyreader standards. *coughnotlikelycough*

when i first clicked on some chick named lustyreader i was like, “romance?” you see, i don’t like romance. i don’t like squishy things about love and dieing and shit (which is of course what romances are all about you guys). i like the funny and i like messed up. i’m a bad, bad example of a girl. except! i do wear make-up, high heels and i usually smell fantastic. but THEN, shattering my preconceived notions, i found out this blog was abso fab!

i mean who else mentions spanish moss in a blog post? lusty. who can go against the “man” and speak out for the rest of us about the absolute poopiness of the twilight? lusty. who can get songs stuck in my head with her blog titles? lusty can. who can make you jealous of a ride on public transit because of the reading op? lusty! and finally, who can make me interested in possibly reading about love and shit? nobody else but lusty. she is badass. obviously.

now that she’s really gone… *whispers* luuuusty? we can talk about… augusten burroughs! she loves that book, running with scissors? i think? she has an autographed copy. she also said that she has a crush on his french bulldog.

oh, wait. that was me. i love french bulldogs.*

i like books. i’ve always liked books. i know. i am too cool. my first favorite book was “bread and jam for frances.” how can you go wrong with a raccoon (i think) eating bread? you can’t. coming in a close second was alexander and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.” we’ve all had bad days, it’s good to know i’m not alone. finally, there was “if you give a mouse a cookie.” i’ve tried and tried to explain this concept to the uninitiated, (chuck) but it’s a hard concept to grasp. for your information, in case you don’t know (shocking), chuck is the man i “hang out” with “most all of the time.”

for example we were in the car, listening to the radio, on the way to the pool. “if you give a mouse a cookie,” i said, in witty response to  someone taking advantage. chuck answers with “yeah?” “he’s going to want a glass of milk,” i counter. then chuck says, “so give him some milk!” “but then he’s going to ask for a straw! chuuuuck!” i desperately try to explain. “i just don’t see the problem, mice are pretty small,” chuck will respond generously. “it just never ends. those dirty, dirty, greedy mice,” *sigh* i’ll sadly reply. you know what its like? it’s like pete and repete on the boat and pete falls off and who is left? that’s what it’s like: repeat. except with mice. eating cookies.

when i started reading on my own, i read everything i could get my hands on. my mother was a THE librarian at my school. we always had sacks and stacks of books. literally. this woman will check FIFTY (50!) BOOKS out of the library. i’m not even exaggerating a little. she always read to us every night. all three of us, gathered around, hanging on her every word (i was the middle child, weep for me). i will have children for the sole reason of reading to them every night. i will force them to listen to me until the wee hours because “we’re having fun! tell mommy we’re having fun! this is fun, right?” they’ll be crying. i’ll be doing that whole joker fake smile thing. i’m just kidding i won’t torture my kids. with books.

my favorite book now, you ask? “ender’s game.” it’s by a mormon.** oh, mormons when will you ever steer us wrong? ahem, we’ll have to overlook twilight. anyshoozle, it is awesome! i LOVE this book. seriously. you should go read it right now. you need to branch out. i have read every SINGLE book of OSC (that’s what i like to call orson scott card, we’re tight like that). i even read the one that he wrote about MORMONS! that’s how much i love ender’s game. through this book my world was widened to include sci-fi and fantasy. and rainbows. and standing in the sci-fi section getting checked out by the barnes and noble employee who coincidentally has to re-arrange the books on a shelf near me every three minutes. happens more than you can imagine.

did i tell you about the time i got hit on in the library by a high school student? i swear to skittles that he was like all like, “what hs do you go to? [my rival hs]?” i, of course said, “eew. not in hs.” he smoothly came back with, “oh, when did you graduate? i probably know some of them.” through clenched teeth, i said, “i graduated almost TEN years ago! from [much cooler slash classier] hs!” chuck’s response: “how come i never get hit on in the library?”

in conclusion. i apologize for the general sliding of the high standards of this blog today. i hope nobody was too traumatized by my lack of grammar or spelling or you know, “intelligence.” it was a super, happy fun time to hang out with you all and talk about my love of books. thank you for having me! “say hello to your motha for me.” and to our beloved lusty, may she have the prettiest dress at the wedding! except the bride. not really. unless she really likes the bride then, yes, really. ok, that was awkward

*i also loved magical thinking! tip! start with something written by burroughs that’s NOT horrifying. he’s really a good, funny writer. i promise!
**now, now, let’s not get offended. some of my best friends are mormons. it’s ok if i make fun. it’s with love.

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5 Responses

  1. Don’t worry about living up to her standards- you did a great job today!

  2. yayee! thank you! :)

  3. I’m in college, so usually it’s the grade schoolers who give me the eyeball. Yeuckkkkkk.

  4. I ADORE augusten bourroughs! lusty, you don’t like him?!!? WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?

    i also really like ender’s game, although i had no idea it was written by a mormon :-)

  5. shawna- that’s hawt. also! i was proposed to by a nine year old in college. goooo mee! watch out, though, i’ve heard that was illegal. just sayin.

    alice- I KNOW! she’s crazy i tell you! crazy! although, rws is maybe not the best place to start. so lusty can’t be blamed because, well i already said all those true and nice things about her. have you read any other’s of osc?

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