Burning books

Alternate titles: Cooking the Books, Cook(ed) Book

I have zero tolerance for biblioclasm regardless of someone’s moral, religious, or political objections to the contents. The destruction of books is what is REALLY morally wrong to me, burning the material solves nothing and only serves to vilify the biblioclast. I’m looking at you 2nd Century BC China, multiple destroyers of the ancient Library of Alexandria, conquistadors and missionaries in Central America, and of course the Nazis (great summation of biblioclasm events here).

And don’t even get me started on the “banned books list,” I’ve read so many of these that are absolutely harmless, and if the content is offensive and/or disturbing? (I’m looking at you American Psycho) Then JUST DON’T READ IT. Self-censorship = genius in my eyes.

God knows I started reading rated R books at age 13 and I would be lost without any of my lust and sex filled romance novels today.

But this post is not about censorship, or such serious topics as challenging book bans, or the transgressions of book burning.

It’s about how I, proud and lusty reader, full of love-for-books…burned my first book last week.

By accident, jeez!

(well except for that time I held a Destruction Ceremony for my Calculus textbook in college after failing it twice and finally getting an A senior year. Yeah, take that Calculus!)

How could this “accidental book burning” occur with such a bibliophile as myself?

Well, do you notice anything odd in this picture of my bookshelf? This is one of those “which of these is not like the other?” games:

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While lustily preparing hubby’s and my dîner fantastique with our lengthily titled wedding present of Better Homes and Gardens Bridal Edition Cook Book(still not sure what is “bridal-y” about it, it is just normal recipes, nothing about holding hands with your new husband while you knead the dough, or how to decorate your newlywed kitchen, or where to put your wedding ring when you’re cooking…) so anyways, while preparing our delish diner I got a leeeetle distracted and burnt the book.

Can you guess how?

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 You don’t have to be Miss. Marple or Dick Tracy to note the matching spiral burnt-shape on the book and stove-top.

While preparing the ingredients with the recipe open on the stove (we don’t have much counter space, this is my defense) I accidentally turned on the burner instead of the oven.

I will NOT share with you how often I do that. But this is the first time I have turned a burner on with something flammable on top of it. So I cooked that cook book good.

Whoopsie.

Hubby was very curious as to why our baked chicken caused the air to smell like burnt paper.

And that is the story. Of the time. I literally was cooking the books.

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16 Responses

  1. What an amusing story to read. I say amusing because thank goodness I’m not the only one to do have burnt something that way. I just did it again last week. I sat a Rubbermaid container on a burner that had only been off 2 min. Didn’t even dawn on me when i did it either until the smell came lol.

  2. ha – half of those banned books were summer reading in middle/high school.

    also… at least you didn’t really set anything on fire. you should see what is left of one of my poor little oven mitts :-(

  3. Hahahaha – that’s nice. Keep that book, it’s an excellent keepsake now, like cookbooks stained with the sauces you cooked with.

  4. Zia: thank you for your confession, i feel much better. and also? your burner was off! i hereby proclaim that was totally not your fault.

    my bestest bestieeeee: how ironic, so many of them were on mine too. and your poor oven mitt :( i’m sure you have plenty of new things from your wedding to replace it though!

    AnimeJune: OMG I TOTALLY AGREE, i absolutely prefer the “used” look, stains on recipes, worn down books, etc.

  5. That is quite the marker. At least you’ll always know whose book that is! :D

    PS–Thank you kindly for the award!

  6. Ha! It’s all pretty and swirly in a vortexy sort of way!

  7. LMAO! I don’t mean to laugh, because, yes, I agree that birning books is a tragedy, but OMG that was a cute and funny story.

    You’re so cute, lol.

  8. I love this post- when I was a small child my parents told me how I hid toys in the oven and when they turned it on I almost burned the house down.

  9. That spiral burn is pretty freaking awesome looking.

    That kind of stuff takes talent my dear. Pure talent.

  10. that is tootally ahmazing will you do mine next?

    the disclaimer is the best part, didn’t want any of us to think you supported a good, ol fashioned book burnin, eh?

  11. Now your cook book has character and a really great story to tell to go with it. Speaking of cookbooks…

    Heard in Barnes & Noble today, I swear to God,

    Lady #1: If you like the book you should buy it.

    Lady #2: Like it? Like it? I LOVE cookbooks. I LOVE them. I have about 20.

    Lady #1: So, you going to buy it?

    Lady #2: *heavy sigh* As much as I love cookbooks, and I do LOVE cookbooks, I should probably invest the money in a cook instead of the “cook” books.

    Lady #1: You don’t cook?

    Lady #2: Oh God, no!

  12. Olga: true, take *that* book theives, my “missing book” report would make identifying it super easy

    lacochran: it is sorta pretty, huh? maybe i’ll claim i meant to do it. yeah, that’s it!

    Barbara: please dear, laugh away! and thanks ;)

    Patrick: that sadly makes a lot of sense to me…and sadly i have done something similar within the past 2 years so i don’t have the excuse of “when i was little…”

    JPP: new plan-tell people i did it on purpose, it’s “nouvelle cuisine art”TM

    Mylittlepony/becky: at your service. please let me know where to find your reimbursement forms and i will plan my trip to tejas stat.

    Rosie: no way jose! that is a RIDICULOUS overheard story! what, does she just like looking at them?!?

  13. HA! that’s priceless. i love that you both burned AND cooked a book. genius :-)

    GAH I AM WITH YOU on the banned book list. if you don’t think it’s a good book, DON’T READ IT. and feel free to not buy it for your child. but stfu and let the rest of us enjoy good literature!!

  14. Ha- you totally taught me a new word! You book burner, you!

  15. That is freakin’ hilarious! Classic, just classic.
    That book is now a treasure to be inherited, my friend.

  16. […] soon. Still have minus-zero interest, even though I can get into trouble with physical books by accidentally burning them, I’m not ready to give them up anytime […]

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